July 2004

I’ve just been exceptionally bored and lonely the last few days. And tonight I can’t even get to sleep. I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact that my daughter has been out of town for the last week and when she’s not around it can get pretty quiet around here. And being alone can sometimes bring out repressed feelings. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been pretty much of a loner. But even a loner gets bored and lonely.

Now one good thing about being bored and lonely (and about strong emotions in general) is that they really do help the creative process. There’s nothing like a swift kick in the id to get the juices flowing. So in the last 24 hours I’ve written three new songs. I’m not really happy with them and if I don’t loose interest I may work on them some more. But as I’ve said many times before, the process is more important than the product.

I was revisiting William Blake today a bit. Got to thinking about it from a recent posting on Kris Kristofferson. Now Blake believed that all this creativity stuff was a gift from God and if someone is called to create and turned their back on that calling they would be cursed for squandering the gift. Now, it’s a whole lot more involved than that, but in a nut shell that about sums it up. To quote the Kristofferson article:

“He said that if you buried your talent, sorrow and desperation would pursue you throughout life, and after death, shame and confuse you until eternity.”

Well I’m sure I’m in trouble enough for not handing out money to the homeless, but this is pretty scary stuff. I do know that when I’m not creating I’m pretty miserable. So why is it when I’m misserable I’m usually creative? Sometimes the more misserable I am the more creative I am. But I must admit that if I do jump in head first it does push back the desperation of solitude or whatever is bothering me down for a while. The beast does go to sleep. But like a junkie, the hungry little bastard will gnaw at the numbness until the pangs return.

I once read an article in some music magazine written by Rosanne Cash, the daughter of Johnny Cash, and amazing songwriter, player and singer in her own right. The whole article was about how many, many songwriters have a tendency to shut themselves off from the world. Because of what they do is so introspective and internal songwriters, more so than many other artists, become hermits. The article was a swift kick in the ass to get out in the real world. And let’s face it. If you do get out and experience new things it will give you more to write about. I know I find this to be true. I sometimes have to force myself to get out of the house during the week and get coffee at Starbucks and write there. Or walk up the beach and have a couple of beers or something. I still have the social skills of a slug, but getting out and being with real people helps the creative process and helps open the mind. It’s doubly tough when your “day job” also revolves around writing and working at home. It’s easy to get comfortable just hanging out at the house. Breaking that habit is really important.

And on top of all this boredom and loneliness I’ve been listening to the new Sam Phillips record. It’s my favorite record so far this year. But it is listening in to the last year or so of her life while her marriage aparently fell apart and God knows what else. Then my mp3 jukebox just happened to land on the Frank Smith song (if you’re not familiar with Frank, he’s a songwriter that I knew from a million years ago and was and is one of my favorites) called Such A Romantic Night, that’s got to one of the saddest fucking songs ever recorded. At about this point I was ready to become a monk.

I’m sure I’ll snap out of this soon. If it lasts another day I may have to graduate from Blake to John Donne And that won’t be pretty.

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