Mostly Accurate Transcript:
What does Donald Trump really think of the Mueller report? According the the great orange one on Twitter, some of it is “total bullshit.” That is all.
But don’t feel bad about the President’s potty mouth, we now learn that swearing is good for you. According to the experts, whomever those bastards may be, belting out an expletive after you stub your toe helps to relieve pain. The research, noted in the Scottish Sun, points out that swearing can relieve pain by as much as fifty percent. Let me be the first to say, if you don’t swear, you are a fargin’ icehole.
In the City by the Bay the poop just keeps piling up. The San Francisco Gate reports that human feces on the streets of San Francisco is seeing a massive increase. In the last eight years, the crap has capped at over twenty eight thousand dumps, up from just over fifty five hundred in 2011. The real solution to the Californi-defication? Depends.
Don’t blame the crap, blame the computers, for the Notre Dame fire that is. According to the rector at the fire ravaged church, the conflagration may have been caused by a computer glitch. Rector, un-patched Windows XP, damn near killed her.
Since 9-11 the New York Yankee’s have regularly played Kate Smith’s recording of “God Bless America” from the 1930’s, but it appears the fat lady has sung for the last time. The Bronx Bombers management have tossed the song from the seventh inning stretch over another song in the Kate Smith cannon, called “That’s Why Darkies Were Born.” Just for the record, the song was considered a parody back in 1939, but that doesn’t matter, someone was offended and we can’t have that.