Overnight Underground News March Fifth 2020

It’s the Overnight Underground, Here’s the headlines: Coronavirus once again topping the news. The President disputes WHO numbers on mortality rates. Miami cancels music festival. Bond gets bumped to the fall. Oklahoma man implicated in Roomba attack. And newspapers find new revenue stream. I’m John Ford, and this is the Overnight Underground News.

It’s the Overnight Underground, Here’s the headlines: Coronavirus once again topping the news. The President disputes WHO numbers on mortality rates. Miami cancels music festival. Bond gets bumped to the fall. Oklahoma man implicated in Roomba attack. And newspapers find new revenue stream. I’m John Ford, and this is the Overnight Underground News.

Now that the Stupid Tuesday primaries are done and gone, it appears that it’s time to get back to the pandemic panic. And the panic indeed is coming in fast and furious. Coronavirus now comes in two flavors. Scientists in China say they have identified two types of coronavirus, and no it’s not Corona and Corona lite. Scientists note that the varieties are most likely a mutation as the virus spreads and adapts.

Things in Italy are not looking any better, as the Italian health services, especially in the north of the country, are at a breaking point. The head of infectious disease at Milan’s Sacco Hospital, has gone on record stating, “This epidemic is on a scale that is larger than anyone could have thought, imagined or prevented.” Nine percent of the COVID-19 cases are in ICU and roughly ten percent of healthcare workers are infected or quarantined in the area. Italy is also closing all schools through the fifteenth.

Things aren’t looking much better in Iran, Eshagh Jahangiri, Iran’s first vice president, has been tested positive for coronavirus, and is undergoing treatment in a “secure environment”. They’ve probably stashed him in the same place they don’t have all that nuclear material stockpiled. Iran has also closed all schools and universities for over a month. The health ministry has also advised Iranians not to use paper money, in an effort to stop the spread of the virus, because using change and those disgusting virus infected

New York City now has four confirmed cases of coronavirus. California has picked up their first fatality from coronavirus (good god I feel like I’m reading sports scores) , the death toll is at, at least eleven for the US. And LA officials have discovered six new cases in the county over the last 48 hours. Up the coast, The State of Washington is recommending that voters don’t lick the envelope on their  mail-in ballot. Instead, officials suggest alternative methods to seal your ballot return envelopes, such as a wet sponge or cloth. Or you could have your dog lick the envelope. I wonder if blowing your nose on the glue is safe? Let’s see, oh, Miami has canceled the Ultra Festival. A spokesman for the electronic dance music community was overheard, huddled in a corner, fondling glow sticks and mumbling… unce…unce…unce…unce…

Los Angeles-area officials declare emergency after confirming six new coronavirus cases over 48 hours

Los Angeles-area officials have discovered six new COVID-19 cases in the county over the last 48 hours, prompting them to declare a local emergency to help free up federal and state funding. Kathryn Barger, chairwoman of the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors, told reporters Wednesday that she just signed a proclamation declaring a local emergency.

President Trump disagrees with yesterday’s numbers of three point four percent mortality rate for COVID-19 released by the World Health Organization. Trump on Fox News. You know, the President should really focus his attention on the covid-19 mortality rate of Fox news viewers.

With all this panic and death swirling the planet, today the World Health Organization wants you to know your hurtful language is deadlier than the virus itself. The Director General of the World Health Organization. The W-H-O also tweeted, “When talking about COVID19, certain words & language may have a negative meaning for people and fuel stigmatizing attitudes DO – talk about people “acquiring” or “contracting” COVID19 DON’T – talk about people “transmitting COVID-19” “infecting others” or “spreading the virus” as it implies intentional transmission & assigns blame. Sounds to me like the W-H-O is becoming so woke that they’ve been infected with terminal semantic vapidity.

You know, this god damn coronavirus is screwing with everything. MGM and Universal announced today that the new James Bond film,  NO TIME TO DIE, will be postponed until November. The statement about the delay noted that after careful consideration and thorough evaluation of the global theatrical marketplace, the film is being put on hiatus. I guess they figure everyone will be either too sick or scared to sit in a movie theatre until the virus burns out in the fall. Hopefully.

Meanwhile, while the rest of the world was busy with coronavirus, and here in the states with stupid Tuesday, Putin it seems, has parked ninety thousand troops on the border of Ukraine. Add to this, according to an official of the Ministry of Defense of Ukraine: eleven hundred tanks, twenty five hundred armored fighting vehicles, sixteen hundred artillery and missile systems, three hundred and forty combat aircraft, two hundred and forty combat helicopters, more than fifty ships and boats and six submarines. 

An Oklahoma man is behind bars today charged with attacking his neighbor with a Roomba and trying to break through the back yard fence. The Roomba assailant is also facing  ten years behind bars for sending threatening messages to a former boss. Police, who have been called out to the perps residence multiple times, ended up surrounding the Roomba man’s home while the apparently unhinged Oklahoman made repeated calls to nine one one . According to KFOR TV news, during the 12-hour standoff, Roomba man also threatened  to slit an officer’s throats with a steak knife. The police were of course armed with fully automatic assault rifles. Roomba man is currently being held on a five thousand dollar bond.

Print media may be dying, but one Aussie newspaper may have found a new lease of life as a purveyor of toilet paper. Because of pandemic panic, Australians have had a run, excuse the pun, on TP, so the Northern Territory News is inviting its readers to wipe their ass with their latest  print edition. The N-T-N is printing a special 8 page lift-out of toilet newspaper, just in case its readers can’t find any on the shelves. I can think of quite a number of newspapers that might come up flush with cash if they switched from all the news that’s fit to print to all the crap that’s fit to wipe. Now that would be a newspaper I could get behind. 

In related news, someone pulled a shiv in the toilet paper aisle at a Woolworths in Sydney over a roll of bog paper. Yahoo News Australia interviewed a staff member following the incident who said, “people were losing their s**t”. You don’t say. No arrests were made and the perp got away Scott free.

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