Overnight Underground News May 6th 2020

The Overnight Underground Podcast, now the headlines: 

Ruth Bader Ginsburg hospitalized. Joe Biden mumbles from his basement. The President forgets his mask. A Dallas hair salon owner gets jail time and an Ohio woman suffers from a flaming crotch.  

These stories & more coming up on today’s Overnight Underground News. I’m John Ford.  

Open up and die

Are you looking forward to your state reopening? If new research rings true from The Wharton School, you shouldn’t be. A new model from the Wharton School at the University Of Pennsylvania is predicting three hundred and fifty thousand deaths by the end of June if all states do fully open. The model focuses on three reopening scenarios, with states continuing lockdown, partial lockdown and totally reopening all states. Essentially, the different scenarios show a trade-off between deaths and job losses.  Alex Arnon senior analyst from Penn Wharton.

RBG hospitalized

Supreme Court judge Ruth Vader Ginsburg is back in the hospital. CBS News reports that Ginsburg was hospitalized on Tuesday for treatment of a gallbladder condition at Johns Hopkins. According to reports she is doing well enough to take part in oral arguments via teleconference today. The Supreme Court began hearing oral arguments on a remote basis via teleconference this week. Now wouldn’t that be fun to zoom bomb. 

Biden mumbles some more

Here’s our Overnight Underground sound byte of the day featuring presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden, live from his basement on MSNBC’s Morning Joe. So if anyone can tell us just what the hell he is actually saying, please send your interpretation to: podcast@johnford.net. Honestly, I think that someone needs to code a Joe Biden translator on the interneterweertubes, stat. 

Trump forgoes mask

The President is under fire again, can you guess what’s getting Trump thrown under the bus this time? (I really don’t know) It seems Mister Trump took a tour of a face mask manufacturing plant and well, he didn’t wear a mask. It’s not like there weren’t any available. Video of the tour of the plant show The President being shown masks and mask making equipment by plant officials while music such as “House of the Rising Sun” and “Live and Let Die” blared in the background. 

The revenge of the KKK Shopper

On Monday, the Overnight Underground News reported on a San Diego shopper at Vons  wearing a KKK hood. Today comes word that, according to ABC News San Diego, there is growing outrage over the inability of the Po Po to find the hood wearing shopper. Outrage here is the operative word. In the age of social media, outrage is what fuels the fires that rage in the digital groin. Everyone is outraged, over something. Police allegedly have been fielding calls calling for the identification and incarceration of the perp. San Diego County District Supervisor Dianne Jacob has called the incident “abhorrent” and an act of “blatant racism”. The NAACP and ACLU have even made known their outrage. That’s all fine and good, and I personally think the guy is undoubtedly an idiot, but what law did he actually break? He wore a hood as a mask. It may be abhorrent and possibly racist, but it’s a waste of police resources if he didn’t actually break any laws. Get over it and move on Francis. 

Dallas hair salon owner jailed

Opening your business in Dallas without special dispensation from the authorities, you’ll end up in the slammer. Dallas salon owner Shelley Luther was jailed yesterday for reopening in violation of a court order. The Dallas Morning News reports that the business owner defied local and state orders and a judge’s restraining order for operating her business during the pandemic.The judge offered leniency to the perp if she apologized, but Luther refused and was fined seven grand along with a week in the can. Just minutes before the judge laid down his ruling, Texas Governor Greg Abbott announced that barbershops and salons across Texas could reopen on Friday. All this gives new meaning to live free or dye. 

More Dollar Store mayhem

Yesterday we had the woman who shot and killed a security guard at the Dollar Store in Michigan, today in Michigan we give you the snot nosed Dollar Store Grandpa.  Fox News reports police in Holly, Michigan are on the lookout for a man who blew his nose on a Dollar Store employee’s tee shirt. It seems the man was told, wait for it, that he had to wear a mask to get in the store. Grumpy grandpa then told the worker at said Dollar Store “Here, I will use this as a mask” and then began wiping his face and nose on the clerk’s shirt. You may think that this story is kinda funny, but it’s snot. 

Fire-crotch in Ohio

An Ohio woman is in the pokey today because she called the cops to report that her nether regions were on fire. The Port Clinton News Herald reports that Katrina Morgan, fifty, called nine one one and told authorities that she needed help extinguishing a fire in her crotch, or to quote the police, her pussy was ablaze. She allegedly asked if the fire department’s “hose is working” and also said “I need somebody to come put it out with their hose.”  According to Police, Morgan faces charges of disrupting public services, making false alarms, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct. Needless to say, it does appear that alcohol was involved.

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